"Changed People Change People"

Isaiah 6:5 "Then said I, Woe is me! for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts."

How many of you have ever burned something into a pot or pan?  You know that no amount of scrubbing will get that off.  No, the only way to get it off is to soak it.  An even better way is to boil the soaking water with a little dish soap and let it simmer for a while.  Well, that has been my experience here at Bethel.  I came into worship and immediately became overwhelmingly aware of the crustiness of my soul. Before coming I thought, yeah, I have some things I am working through but I am okay with God.  I have realized there is no "okay with God".  I am thinking of the passage in Revelation where God says He would rather people be hot or cold than lukewarm.  He goes on to say that He will spit them out of His mouth.  So, back to being crusty.  I was really aware as I looked around at the people worshiping that I was not where they were.  I was further made aware as people laughed and shook under the Spirit and I sat untouched.  Finally, as they preached about God's goodness and love and His desire to heal I could stand it no longer and simply cried hot, frustrated tears.  Every service I went to I cried those hot, frustrated tears, wanting to run up to the front and grab someone and say what happened to me???  I knew I had been angry with God, I knew I had even turned away in my heart for a time in that anger.  But God had been drawing me back and giving me moments where I felt His love again.  I had no idea how cold I still was and how unable to respond in love rather than what I knew in my mind was right to do.  So, I wondered how I would be made whole?  I went for prayer many times.  I went to as many services as I could.  Someone even prayed, "Lord, give her some kind of a tangible touch so that she will know the healing work that You are doing in her".  Nothing happened.  I was completely disheartened.  I once again started feeling upset with God, "I even sold my house and moved all the way across the country (albeit somewhat unwillingly) and You won't even give me a touch from the Holy Spirit?"  I felt anxiety that maybe the hope I'd had in God's plan to heal and refresh me here was a mistake.  Days turned into weeks and it seemed that not much was happening to me.  I was constantly battling within myself feeling down, or lashing out at Justin because he was receiving so much and I felt I was not.  Well, all of those church services, hours of worship and prayer mixed with bubbling and at times boiling emotions were like that pot.  The water of the Holy Spirit was filling me, soaking my crusted soul.  Slowly, without anything dramatic happening, I noticed a change.  At first, I was even unwilling to admit it because I was still upset that I hadn't had any dramatic and powerful touch from God.  I kept looking at all of the ways I felt God had disappointed me.  Despite all of that, He kept soaking me with His Holy Spirit and slowly the blackened char of my soul has been softening.  I am still aware that I am not where I would like to be in my love for God, but at least there is a desire to grow in it again and a recognition of my need for more.  I have to steady my emotions and remind myself during the times I feel I am the only one not at the party that God has already done a lot in me during these weeks.  I even had one night where He gave me a kind of a vision in one of the classes here.  We were to listen to a worship song and then ask Jesus to meet with us and tell us something.  As soon as I closed my eyes, at the start of the song, I saw myself as a little girl in dress up clothes dancing with Father God.  I was standing on His feet and He was rocking me wildly and we were both laughing.  After that I saw a kind of a slide show of all of the good times I'd had with Him over the years.  There were many.  Well, during all of this, I was laughing and crying and then it became mostly laughing for about 15 minutes.  This is significant because, for the past 2 years, every time I felt God's presence and let my defences down, all I ever did was cry.  I had so much pain in my heart that I was sick of crying.  It got so that I didn't want to try to spend that intimate time with God because I knew I would feel all of the hurt and cry more.  Well, since I have been here, I felt an urgency that I didn't want to miss out on whatever God had for me but I knew I couldn't receive anything like this.  So, little by little, when it seemed nothing was happening, and I was just crying again, I was getting better.  Like that pot that needed to soak, it was slowly falling off my heart, sometimes in big chunks like the night I laughed with Father God.  I am still in process but I have seen great progress in just a month and a half.  I am beginning to feel strong again at times in my spirit man.  I have even stepped out a couple times and given people prophetic words and they said they were accurate!  (Not too long ago I felt I couldn't hear God at all.)  As exciting as holy laughter and prophecy are, I am conscious of staying focused on what is really important, growing closer to God.  It is far too easy to just focus on God's gifts without staying caught up in love with the Giver.

I had intended in keeping my posts about what is happening here at Bethel in general, rather than blabbing on about myself.  I felt initially that it was all too messy even to bring up, that it wouldn't glorify God.  But I am seeing that a lot of what is going on here is about changing people, renewing their way of thinking about God and the world, and giving them a confidence in God's goodness and love.  The miracles bear witness to all of that.

If there are any of you who read this and feel that you too are like that crusty pot or maybe you just feel "okay with God", I want to encourage you to get a good worship CD and "soak" as you fall asleep in the night.  Wash your mind with some fresh reading of the Word of God, even just a chapter or two a day.  Listen to sermons.  However you want to do it, but let the Holy Spirit soften your heart and cleanse your mind, even if there are painful things that you don't want to deal with.  He is gentle, He is faithful and He is good.  If you do, He will surely meet with you and you will be blessed and you will bless others around you.  Now isn't that the kingdom of God in the earth?  Each one of us, growing in God and letting it overflow into the world around us. 

One last thing, I like what they say here about the kingdom of God.  Every where you go, if you call out the good things in people and praise God's gifts in them, you will cause them to grow.  If you tell a cashier what a beautiful smile she has and how much it blesses everyone who comes into her line, guess what she will do for a while after you leave?  She will be smiling and joyful to everyone who comes, whether she knows God or not.  This releases others to receive that joy too.  So, you don't have to preach a sermon and say the sinner's prayer to everyone you meet.  Bring God's kingdom however He leads, even in just a smile or a word of encouragement.

Romans 14:17 "For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.  He that serves Christ in these things is well-pleasing to God, and approved of men."

P.S. The title is a quote from one of our beloved teachers at Elim, Brother Hugh Smith.  He was full of such sayings, and 11 years later, they still stand out clearly in my memory. (Another one was, hurt people hurt people. So true!)  Simple can be very good! Thanks Brother Hugh!