Jessica here. I have been wanting to write for some time but intentionally erased the work I had begun several times. Things are so much in process here that it is hard to put a snippet down without it seeming insignificant or irrelevant to onlookers. To be totally honest, sometimes I think how arrogant it seems on my part to think that anyone besides my mom would even want to know all about these attempts at unravelling the tangled pieces of my inner self. But, then I think of my family and friends whom I am missing and feel perhaps they too might want to hear some of this. So, here goes.
Lately, God has been speaking to me on the subject of lies. When I first arrived here, many people talked about partnering with lies and how it allowed the devil room to operate in your life. Fear, for example, is rooted in lies from the enemy of our soul. Fear destroys peace, joy and faith. It becomes difficult to hear God because of the loud chorus of voices chanting or even screaming falsehoods, churning up that place meant for the still, small voice of God. It brings our whole being into stress; body, mind and soul. I struggled a lot with fear, and I felt justified in doing so because of the terrible circumstances I had been through. Who wouldn't fear after almost dying and facing death on every side repeatedly for years, right? Well, whether my reaction was natural or not wasn't the issue. The spiritual realm is not natural.
The truth of the matter is that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love and power and of a sound mind. God does not desire for me to live with fear and He has not brought the fear so then, where has it come from? Well, obviously the devil right? I didn't think so. I couldn't understand why I was so angered thinking that I shouldn't be justified in fearing, that there was no option but to fear. I realized only this week that there were several lies operating under the surface. I believed that if I acknowledged that I was wrong in fearing, I was guilty of allowing the devil an open door to steal, kill and destroy. Deep down, I feared that I was then responsible for essentially "killing" my babies by partnering with a spirit of fear and opening the door to the demonic. This might sound ridiculous to you, but to someone wrestling with deep pain it seemed logical. So, I rejected that idea that fear was something I had to break agreement with. I believed that I had no power over it because of my circumstance. I was a victim.
Fear and love do not go together. Over time, it eroded my love relationship with my heavenly Father. I lost my trust in God. I won't go into all of the fruit of fear in my life and in my walk with God because it was varied and there were many consequences. It is enough to say, that I finally realized that I didn't kill my babies because I feared. Also that the enemy of souls is the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy and he is responsible for that evil. I don't understand all of the complexities of God's sovereignty and will but I do know that God spoke to me that same word last year in the midst of my breakdown, at the height of my anxiety. My Father said, "Jessica, who is it that comes to steal, kill and destroy?" "the devil" said I. "I am your Father, would it be MY plan to kill you?" I heard Him say. Suddenly, I felt His pain that I had believed that lie too, that He was that bad of a father!
Some of those lies were hand tailored by the enemy for my set of circumstances. But I have realized that some of them were taught to me by leaders in authority over me in the church. Bill Johnson shared something that shed great light on some of my internal struggles this morning. He told the story of a pastor who was trying to help with a church addition. The pastor was not a wood worker but thought he could lend a helping hand in a simple task. He was given the job to cut 6ft planks. For the first plank he used a tape measure to make it exactly 6 feet. After that, to save time, he simply used the board he had just cut to measure for the next one. Those of you who are handy know where this is going. Justin guessed it right away. Each board became slightly longer as he used the most recently cut one to measure the next. The final boards cut were 8 feet long! Oh what a mess that was for the builders. It was all because he did not use the original standard to measure it with. "The church has done the same thing", said Bill. "We have used the previous generation in the church as our standard instead of the words of Christ, the original standard. Sickness and disease, in Christ's own words, were from the devil and to be destroyed. Two thousand years later, the church has believed that God sends sickness to somehow grow our character." At that moment my eyes were opened. It was the same sick feeling I had when my Father posed that question to me and exposed the lie I had believed about Him. I felt so grieved at the many evils we often attribute to God.
So, what can you or I do when we see a lie operating in our life? This was my question. How good He is to plan things so perfectly! As my heart opened to the place of receiving the truth, I began just this week a class in inner healing here. Guess what subject they talked about first of all? Being captive to lies and how to be released! So, for my own review, I will share it with you. First of all, confess the lie you have been believing to God. You are bringing it to the light. Then ask God to forgive you for agreeing with that lie and reject it verbally (other words to use: break ties or agreements with it). Ask Him to take it far from you and to give you something in it's place. Then listen to hear what He will say to you. If there is someone you need to forgive in this process, even if it is only yourself, release forgiveness. (Forgiveness is a big key but I might write another blog about that.)
Ironically, in our 3rd week of the marriage classes we are taking, today, we talked about breaking bondages such as lies and generational curses. One might think that all of the classes were somehow very well coordinated but it was just God lining up perfectly the things I needed to hear all week long. He is so good!
A few weeks ago, my son brought me a ball of yarn that was tangled together and asked me to unravel it. I thought it would be a simple task but soon realized that there were many knots amidst the tangles. It took me fifteen minutes and a lot of patience to straighten it out. As I worked, pulling out small segments and untying knot after knot, I felt God say that He was doing a similar work in me. When I began to be impatient with my task and tried pulling larger pieces free, it only tightened the knots. He too had to be patient and work in small segments as He undid the inner workings of my soul. Piece by piece, He is revealing lies and speaking truth. As He does, the freedom to worship Him and to live with Him is coming more and more. Jesus promised, "I have come that they may have life and life more abundant." I am BELIEVING the Truth again and expecting to receive His abundant life in me! :) I hope this speaks to one of you too. Maybe your planks have become 8 ft instead of 6ft? Maybe you too need to do a little spiritual inventory of what you believe as compared to what Jesus said? Just a thought. Freedom and abundant life are only a prayer away!
